concerned face.

I’m pretty sure both my parents have given up on me ever being in a relationship again.

Mum’s always been good, she never asks if I’m seeing anyone or complains about not having grandkids. She’s a trooper. Dad went through a phase a while ago where pretty much every time I talked to him he was not-so-subtly trying to find out if I was dating anyone (and also, I think he went through a phase within that phase of trying to check if I was gay or not) until I snapped one day and told him to shut up and stop asking me. For the most part he did, but he still sometimes says things like ‘So, have you made any new friends lately?’. No, Dad. I’m hanging out with the same people I always hang out with.

I wonder if they ever thought I would end up alone? I guess you never think that’s going to happen to your kid.

None of my friends have ever really shown any concern. I think that might be because there’s pretty much always been a running joke about how shy and prickly I am, and how introverted I tend to be. They’ve always been supportive when I’ve met someone, and sympathetic when it hasn’t worked out, and that’s all I really ask.

One friend, a few weeks ago, deviated from the norm. We were out for dinner and she asked if I had gone back on Tinder (which is a no, I haven’t been on it over a year now). We then got to a point in the conversation where she said she couldn’t understand why I was still single, and she hoped I wasn’t cutting myself from opportunities.

This is new ground for me. This friend met a guy on Tinder who she now lives with, but it’s only been a year and a bit that they’ve been together. So I felt vaguely like the comment was slightly condescending. I never complain about being single either. Sometimes it’s lonely, but still think there are just as many positives about being single, if not more, than being in a relationship. Even little things, like if I want toast for dinner? I’ll have it. All the wardrobe and bookshelf space in the house is mine. If I decide I want to sit in my tracksuit pants, looking up random things on the internet and watching hours of House Hunters, I can (and I do. I’m doing it right now).

Now I’m wondering if all my friends are worried about me being a crazy cat lady, but just don’t say anything. I am the only one out of all the friends I can think of, that is single. Maybe when people aren’t single anymore, they automatically feel sorry for their single friends?

I’m not adverse to meeting someone. I’m not militant about staying single, as much as living alone with two cats might suggest otherwise. I definitely don’t want to do internet dating again though, because it just makes me feel anxious and bad about myself.

Maybe I am cutting myself off from opportunities. But that’s my decision to make.

 

Starting 2017 off by embarrassing myself.

Happy New Year! It’s already 2017 in Australia, I’m not sure if it is or not everywhere now. I went to a friend’s place for a BBQ which was fun. I also had a job to do. I had to text message a guy who dumped me over a year ago, and say hello.

I wasn’t sure if I would do it, right up to me pressing ‘send’. I kept it really short, basically saying Happy New Year, I hoped he was well and a joke about opossums (we always used to laugh at a certain picture of an opossum making a hilarious face). I had to send it via Facebook message because I don’t have his number anymore.

After I sent it, I had a sudden thought about the new set up of Facebook – apparently now, if you send an inbox message to someone you’re not friends with on Facebook, it goes to some ‘message request’ folder instead of their inbox. I only knew this because I accidentally found that particular folder in my own messenger a few months ago, and found all these messages people had sent me that I had never replied to, because I had no idea they existed! So then I was thinking ‘shit, I’ve sent this message and it’s potentially just going to sit in the Message Purgatory Folder and never be seen. In the end, after some thought and a few drinks, I impulsively sent a friend request as well.

I sent the message just after 10pm (at a friend’s suggestion) and thankfully Messenger has the little icons that show you if someone has seen your message or not. By the time I went to sleep at 2am, he hadn’t seen it – but then when I woke up at 6am due to my friend’s cat deciding to join me on the couch, I had a quick look and he had seen it. Which means he had also seen the friend request. And he had ignored both.

I have to admit, I was surprised. I had actually braced myself for a polite but not friendly message back – something like ‘I’m well, Happy New Year to you too. Take care’ (‘Take care’ meaning ‘I don’t want to continue this conversation). At best, I was hoping for a follow up question, like ‘Hey, I’m great! How are you?’. I seriously wasn’t expecting to be ignored, because I didn’t think he was that kind of guy.

Obviously, he has every right to do what he wants – if he doesn’t want to respond, then he absolutely doesn’t have to, he doesn’t owe me anything. A couple of friends said that maybe he would reply later, but I somehow know in the pit of my stomach that he won’t. He was either super drunk and checked his phone in the wee hours of the morning, and ignored my message, or he got up early for work, checked his phone and ignored my message. Hey, maybe he has a girlfriend/fiancee/wife now and quickly deleted my message.

The inescapable fact is, he ignored it. If someone you want to hear from messages you, you message back. He hasn’t.

So I cancelled my friend request (that felt like a Facebook ‘walk of shame’) and deleted the message I sent – I know it makes no different to the fact that it’s sent, but it means I don’t have to see it sitting forlornly in my messenger app. I won’t ever message him again. I guess that’s end.

A mistake.

Okay, so I did a bit more investigating with the whole ‘blocked on Instagram’ thing – after all that mental energy being expended thinking he had done it on purpose, turns out that wasn’t the case. In the past, you could block someone who had a ‘public’ profile, and still be able to see all their stuff – now it seems that even if they have a public profile, if you block them, you can’t see them either. That makes sense to be honest, seems rude if you can block someone but still spy on them. Like I was doing.

So I’m a bit embarrassed now. For about a day there, I thought he was thinking about me, and now it turns out he could potentially not even remember my name! He’s made no efforts to contact me in the last year (granted, at my request). Through some fairly extensive research (I blame the fact that I used to be a fraud investigator for my thoroughness!) I can’t find any evidence that he has dated anyone else since he dumped me, and he hasn’t been on Tinder (I don’t even want to explain how I know that).

So I do still contact him on New Years, after realising the Instagram thing was nothing? All signs point to it ending in total disappointment for me. But I have a bad feeling that may be what I need. From past experience, I’ve found that nothing makes me move on from someone faster than me embarrassing the shit out of myself. I’ve spent a year making no contact with him and it hasn’t helped me move on. Maybe I need to contact him, get shot down in flames, and then every time I think about him I’ll cringe rather than miss him.

Blocked, followed by insane advice.

It’s been two months since my last blog post! I actually thought it would have been longer than that, I feel like I haven’t written anything in years.

I haven’t written any blogs because I haven’t done any dating. I haven’t been on Tinder since the end of May, nor any other dating sites and I haven’t run over my soulmate with a shopping trolley at the supermarket either. I still miss Guy 2, and it’s now been about a year and two months since he dumped me. And something weird happened the other day.

I still occasionally check Guy 2’s instagram account, just to see what’s up (and what is social media for, if not for stalking exes?). He has a public account, so I haven’t had to follow him or anything. He doesn’t use it as much as I do – I post something pretty much every day and have two instagram accounts – my personal one, and one that I use to post graphic design work as a self-promotion kind of thing.

The other day, about a week ago, I went to have a look at his instagram, probably for the first time in a month or so, and even though his profile came up, it said ‘No Posts Yet’. I thought that was weird, and maybe he had deleted all his posts for some reason. I was intrigued, and went back a couple of days later and the same thing happened – but I noticed that it still said he had nearly 200 posts – I just couldn’t see them. So I googled ‘No Posts Yet’ and about 2 billion different articles popped up, informing me that if I couldn’t see the posts, then I had been blocked. Just to check, I went and used my design account to check it out – lo and behold, I could see his posts using the other account.

I considered this for a while. Why would I suddenly be blocked after a YEAR? Why would he bother? Why would he even THINK to do it? Then I suddenly had thought, and went and checked my own ‘blocked people’ list – and I had him blocked. I didn’t even realise – I must have had him blocked for pretty much a year, I don’t even remember doing it.

So had he tried to look at my account, found himself blocked and blocked me back? I unblocked him. The next afternoon I went and checked  – and I could see his account again. WEIRD. I even googled ‘Can I still see someone’s pictures when I have them blocked’ and yes you can. I pretty much already knew this, because obviously I had him blocked for months, but could still see his stuff. Maybe it was just a glitch in instagram that resolved itself?

I’m still thinking about it. If it wasn’t a glitch, and he blocked me because I blocked him, then it also means that he found out I had unblocked, and unblocked me in response. We’ve had no contact since he dumped me, at my request. He wanted to remain friends and be in contact, and I said no.

The afternoon that I noticed I had been unblocked, I also had my regular appointment with my psychologist. I told her about it and I was 100% sure I was going to get in trouble for stalking him, and be told to let it go. Instead:

Me: I just don’t get why he would block me.

Psych: Because you blocked him.

Me: Yeah, but why would he even be checking my profile?

Psych: Why do you check his?

Me: Because I miss him.

Psych: Well then he’s probably doing the same thing. Why don’t you contact him?

Me: WHAT?

Psych: Do you want to be in contact with him?

Me: I dunno. Maybe? What?

Psych: What have you got to lose by contacting him?

Me: Um, MY DIGNITY? I would be contacting a guy who dumped me a year ago. I would          look CRAZY.

Psych: Life’s too short to worry about that stuff. Just contact him. Say Merry Christmas or something.

Me: JESUS. Can I wait until New Year’s Eve instead? At least then I can assume he’s drunk and I’ll make sure I am too before I send a message.

Psych. Yep. Fine. I’m writing it down. ‘Contact on NYE’.

Me: What the hell is going on right now?!

I then messaged a friend about it who I was sure would talk me out of it, and she pretty much did exactly the same thing – does the potential embarrassment of finding out he doesn’t want to talk to me outweigh the potential that he may be glad to hear from me?

This is insane. WHY IS EVERYONE BEING INSANE? It’s hurting my head. On one hand, he dumped me and hasn’t contacted me since. From Facebook/Insta, it doesn’t look like he’s hooked up with anyone else. He asked to be friends and I said no. Maybe he thinks he dodged a bullet and is quite happy to never hear from me again? Maybe he wants to say hi but since he did the dumping and I declined to stay friends, he feels like he can’t? Maybe the whole ‘blocked on instagram’ really WAS a glitch and he’s never actually looked at my instagram?

If you want to chuck your two cents worth of opinion into the comments section, feel free.

He what?!

I heard a story on the radio that has been making me laugh all day, and also making me feel guilty for laughing. I’m going to share it with you, in the hopes that YOU laugh too, because that will make me feel like a better person.

In Australia there’s a radio station called Triple J, and on Sunday nights they have a program called ‘The Hook Up’, which is about various love/sex/relationship topics. Last night’s topic centred around relationship failures and they had a singer as a guest who told her own tale of woe. I’m already getting the giggles just writing ‘tale of woe’. I actually missed the show itself, but they replayed her story this morning on the radio.

So this singer was touring around Australia – she lives in Sydney, but was in Perth, which is right on the other side of the country, like a 4-5 hour flight. She met a guy in Perth and they spent a blissful two weeks together. After she left and went back to Sydney, they kept in touch, texting and talking on the phone daily, etc. This went on for months – they told each other they loved each other, he said he wanted to spend his life with her, all that kind of stuff. After about 5 months, she decided that she needed to fly to Perth and see him, and figure out what they were going to do.

So all excited, she boarded the plane for Perth, flew the 4-5 hour flight and met him at the airport. All good. They were in line at the taxi rank, and she got her wallet out of her bag. He then grabbed her wallet, and ran away.

She never saw him again.

Let’s just break that down – they had been talking and texting daily for FIVE MONTHS after meeting in person in Perth, he had said he loved her, she flew to Perth  – HE STOLE HER WALLET AT THE AIRPORT AND RAN AWAY. SHE NEVER HEARD FROM HIM AGAIN.

nope running.gif

I am equal parts horrified and hysterical. I also don’t know what happened after that – I will try and find out more details. She obviously had his phone number and all that stuff, so I don’t know what she did to try and get her wallet back – maybe she went to the police? It frustrates the HELL out of me that I don’t know. I need to listen to the full podcast.

I have NO idea how I would have dealt with that situation. I guess I would have just stood there watching him run away thinking ‘What is he doing? Where is he going?’ I don’t think it would occur to me that he had actually stolen my wallet and was now sprinting away with it. I probably would have cried once I realised that they guy and my wallet were gone? Wonder where I was going to stay, how I was going to survive with no money and how I was going to get my flight back with no ID?

Would I go to the police? I think I would. But imagine having to say to them ‘I’ve been texting this guy for five months and I flew to Perth and he just took off with my wallet.’

I think it makes me laugh because it is just 100% INSANE. I hope he got in trouble with the cops and charged with theft AND PUNCHED IN THE BALLS.

 

Snap back to reality.

 

After four months off work, I am now back. And I honestly can’t even express in words how……disgusted I am to be back here. I don’t think I could even do my emotions justice through interpretive dance at this stage. Unless that dance happened to just be me curled in a ball on the ground, crying.

homer-crying

Dance/Curl/Cry like no-one’s watching.

It was like I completely lived a different life – I did my design course which I loved, then went to Japan by myself, had a couple of weeks recovering at home and then BOOM, I’m back at work and it’s like none of it ever happened. I’m mostly scared that my will and motivation to keep looking for an ever elusive job in graphic design will start to fade now that I’m back working full time.

That being said, after four months to think about it and approximately 2.2 days back at work to really start hating it again, I told my boss that I want to relinquish my leadership role. I struggled with the decision, partly because it took so much work to get here, and partly because I feel like a bit of a failure if I give it up and go back to a ‘normal’ role. But I just don’t want to do it anymore. It takes up time, causes me stress and only gives me an extra $200 a pay than what I would be earning normally. I’d rather not be in charge, have a bit less money, but have more time and less stress. I can usually tell if I’ve made the right decision by how I feel after making it, and I feel good.

What I don’t feel good about is the fact that my decision to never date again and just be single with a hundred cats for the rest of my life, is starting to get a bit shaky. I was talking with a friend about Tinder the other day, which got me thinking about it later when I was on my own, and wondering if I should give it another go. I’m not on it again yet and it annoys me that it’s even a thought in my head. I hated Tinder! But how the hell else am I meant to meet anybody!?

cat lady.png

Life goals.

I was also thinking about Guy 2, because I was talking about exes with a new friend from my graphic design course and I went through the whole sorry tale with her and it ended with me feeling freshly hurt and confused as to why he ended it seemingly out of the blue. Another friend’s husband is still friends with Guy 2 on Facebook, so we stalked him via the internet the other day. As far as I can tell, he didn’t or hasn’t started a relationship with anyone else since me. And I don’t think he would have, or could have, faked the level of interest he had at the time when everything was good. Maybe he just switched into commitment-phobia mode and ran like the wind. I still have no idea, and never will. He could have decided that he was sexually attracted to cars instead of women. Who knows.

ed smith cars.jpg

It happens.

It’s been almost been a year since he dumped me too. I think maybe not next Wednesday, but the one after that and it’ll be exact? I know it sounds weird to know the exact day, but I remember it was not long after the school holidays, and I was a big conference with hundreds of people on the Wednesday, which was when he told me over the phone that it was over and then I cried in front of all those people. Honestly, that level of embarrassment is hard to forget.

Isn’t it weird how you can be with someone for ages, and when you break up it takes a relatively short time to get over them (I was with a boyfriend for a bit over two years and was okay within a month, I reckon), but you can be with someone for a few months and get completely destroyed by them? It doesn’t seem fair. I feel pathetic that I still miss talking to some guy who dumped me a year ago. I think that’s where my slightly rekindled interest in Tinder is coming from. I honestly hope it goes away before I act on it.

being-ignored

 

 

 

I have a question – not dating related.

Just to be clear, this post is me asking a question because I legitimately don’t know if there is a right answer. It has more to do with basic human interaction than anything else, and nothing to do with dating!

As I mentioned before, I finished my Graphic Design course and I am now in the depressing process of trying to find a job. A guy offered me one (see last post) then ignored me. I sent him another email on Monday basically asking for confirmation that the job was no longer on offer and he didn’t reply to that one either. So as far as I’m concerned, it’s done.

I also now have two Instagram accounts – one is my normal one where I put up photos of things that make me laugh, the other one is graphic design based and linked to my website. On Monday, a graphic design firm in Melbourne started following my design account, so I followed back and had a look at their website.

Here begins the question. As I was cruising around their site, I noticed that one of their heading was spelt incorrectly. I even googled it to make sure that it WAS wrong – they spelt the word ‘Expertise’ and ‘Experties’. On one hand, it was amusing to me. On the other, I felt bad for them and now that I had noticed it, I felt like I had to do something.

What would you have done? Just left it, or let them know?

I struggled with it. As a new designer who is looking for work, it could backfire to let a design firm know that they had made a mistake. But maybe they could be impressed?

In the end, I thought about my own website – if one of my headings was spelt incorrectly, I would want to know and I would appreciate someone telling me. Particularly since as designers, our EXPERTISE is meant to be visual communication. So I sent them an email. I was super polite, and even complimented them on their website.

As a result, they unfollowed me on Instagram. Seriously. And did not reply to my email. Their website still says ‘Experties’ – I can only imagine that now they’re too stubborn to change it?

I don’t regret my decision to tell them – I was trying to help. I’m just disappointed in their reaction. I am genuinely interested to know what other people would do though.